July 21, 1996
On the buses -- an Atlanta situation comedy
By JIM O'LEARY -- SLAM!sports
ATLANTA -- There are a million transport horror stories in the baked city. Here are three of them.
It's 1 a.m. outside the Olympic Stadium, about 30 minutes after the opening ceremonies have concluded. Mayhem. No taxis, no buses. The cops block the streets to pedestrians who want to walk to the subway. Something about presidential security. Bill Clinton is long gone, but no poor working slob shall trod upon his precious tire tracks.
Trapped.
Back to the bus pen, where about 500 reporters and photographers, carting cameras, computers and surly dispositions, are herded between a 12-foot chain-link fence and the curb.
After 30 minutes of milling and grumbling, two buses arrive. Stampede. Pushing, shoving, cursing but, miraculously, no fists. My tired, sweaty body is the last to be squeezed on to the lead bus. The driver looks angry.
"Everyone standing please get off this bus," she hollers. "This bus can't handle this much weight." Then she locks me with a stare. "You first."
A moment of indecision. Behind me, a few people begin shuffling to the exit.
"We're not getting off," I announce. She frowns. The pack behind me grumbles and nods.
The inmates are taking control of the asylum.
There's an argument. We dig in. She opens the window and starts hollering for the police. A cop rushes over, fearing what? Thieves? Terrorists? Hijackers? He finds a bunch of tired, hungry journalists. He looks as hot and tired as the rest of us.
"Lady, these people just want to go to bed. Take them home."
There's applause. She clenches the wheel, throws the bus into gear and jerks away from the curb -- hitting a van.
Again, we're told to get off. Again we refuse. Thirty minutes later, the collision reports complete, we're finally on our way.
It's morning now. Back on the bus. Lots of seats, which is good, because we're stuck in traffic, going nowhere.
It's about 35 C outside, so the air conditioner is going full tilt.
The driver's radio crackles. His dispatcher sounds grumpy as he contacts another driver, no doubt also stuck in traffic, to relay the following message: "Air conditioning is a courtesy, not a necessity," he says. "Drive on!"
All of a sudden, our little traffic jam doesn't seem so quite so bad.
Finally, we make it to the main press centre. The cellular phone rings. Colleague Larry Tucker is calling to let me know he has been detained. His bus burst into flames.
But it didn't hit anything and the air conditioner was working fine. So it could have been worse.
CASH ONLY, PLEASE: Two startling sights on the way to the opening ceremonies: 1) A parking lot outside the stadium was asking $150 per car. 2) The lot was full.
WE DESERVE A BREAK TODAY: The Atlanta hyperbole machine announces that 3.5 billion people, two-thirds of the world's population, watched the opening ceremonies. Right. Next they'll tell us Juan Antonio Samaranch whistles Dixie in the shower each morning.
Even if there are enough TVs in the third world to make that number possible, the opening ceremonies began at 2 a.m. European time and 4 a.m. in Moscow. The 3.5-billion figure sounds more like a number some public-relations guy fell in love with as he wheeled into McDonald's.
Speaking of McDonald's, is it just me or does the apparatus holding the Olympic flame in the main stadium resemble a large order of McDonald's fries?
ATLANTA FACT: Some companies with world headquarters located in Atlanta: The American Cancer Society, Coca-Cola, Delta Airlines, Holiday Inn, Home Depot, Ritz-Carlton Hotel Company and Turner Broadcasting.
The obvious question: Why?
Jim O'Leary is executive producer of SLAM! sports at www.canoe.ca/slam
